...This One Isn't For Muggles?

I made the top 8 of the first two PTQs that I ever played in. The first one involved me sneaking
Magma Giants against Goblins and going for first turn wins against Astral Slide decks. I was very fortunate to not play against the various decks with countermagic that day like Mind’s Desire, Scepter Chant, Psychatog, or U/G madness. Sneak Attack, my centerpiece four-mana enchantment, didn’t hold up very well against any type of disruption.

...About My Wake Up Call?

The seeds had been planted. If there was something to be done to prevent the growth of the doubt tree in my mind, I didn’t know about it. I shook off my loss to The Real Deal and continued to play week-in and week-out. Only, things were different now. With every match loss, with every quick exit from an event, a new branch formed. I rationalized the downward spiral I was in for as long as I could, but I think I always knew that I was just making excuses. I had been served a large plate of reality, and was giving up the grind.

...My Life is a Dark Pauly Shore Movie?

I had taken one bottle of Delsym, one bottle of Zicam and periodically toked throughout the trip. I had stolen the bottles of cough medicine from Wal-Mart. I was on approximately 1500 mg of dextromethorphan hydrobromide, usually referred to as Dex, or DXM. This was a tier 2 trip of a possible 4 levels of inebriation. My partner in crime was going for the next level. This meant I was the decision-maker, the leader, and above all else the driver. The rest of the group who had decided to take a night off from dexing had ditched, unsure of my ability to drive while tripping. If those weak bitches only knew how often they had ridden with me while I was curing my cold.

...About The Real Deal?

This is a continuation of ...About My Magic Wand. You may want to read that one first!

Pro Tour Competitor Scott Schauf. Yeah, that sounds right. Fitting, even. I had been to the show once at this point in our story. I didn’t do so well, but all of my opponents got very lucky. And I got unlucky. Yeah, that is what happened. Has to have gone down that way. I played my deck perfectly and made exactly zero mistakes. Has to have gone down that way. I’m twenty years old and already the best Magic player in Kentucky. Has to have gone down that way.

...That This is About Magic?

I dropped out of high school the fall semester of my senior year. At this time, I had a reputation for two things: throwing the biggest party of our class’s history and being the guy who dropped acid at school. I remember being a part of a group of about twenty who ate “special” brownies before school one day during the week of standardized testing. When we got our bathroom break during the testing, the majority of the drugged-out group stood huddled in the middle of the hallway, looking very high. Thinking my actions would improve the situation, I circled the group while spinning and doing the robot. This got a good laugh from everyone around. When you come to school on drugs every day, this is considered normal behavior and no one thinks twice. It’s just that weirdo who likes to dance for attention.

...About My Magic Wand?

I know that close to one hundred percent of our audience here knows this already, but I am no ordinary muggle. Although I have spent no time at Hogwarts, I have close to ten years under my robe. I have cast exotic spells from faraway lands on two continents. I have slain many a monster and drawn energy from untold amounts of natural and unnatural resources. I have enlisted the help of goblins, elves, dragons, zombies, and plenty of other monsters in my eternal struggle versus other magicians. I have poisoned my foes, bashed them to death with blunt instruments, and burned them to a crisp. I am, of course, referring to my hobby, my passion, and one of the most important things to ever influence my life.

...I'm a Loser Baby?

So why don’t you kill me? That is why I am joining the military, because I am a loser. Instead of being sexy and knowing it, I lose and I ain’t afraid to show it. That is why I only just recently created a Twitter account. That is why I joined Facebook three years later than everyone else. That is why I can’t manage school and work. That is why I pretend to be asleep instead of getting laid. I had no feelings for her and felt guilty at the thought of taking advantage. I was too much of a loser to realize that this is merely how the world works. Besides, she was trying to take advantage of me! Lonely loser.