...This is My First Review?

I’m going to begin by stating that I do not claim to be a film critic. I love movies. I try to see everything interesting as it comes out in theaters. I’m not thinking about scene transitions, lighting, and set design. Unless, of course, the scene transitions, lighting, and set design really stand out to me. I’ll endorse a movie because I love the story, or because the characters were interesting, or because I like the cinematography. I enjoy human creation and I believe movies to be one of the greater accomplishments of our race. Thinking about all of the time that goes into set creation, makeup, hiring, financing, writing, and the promoting of movies can be overwhelming. All of the things that have to go right and come together to make a movie happen makes the whole experience that much more significant.

I may have chosen a poor time to write HIETY’s first movie review. The Academy Awards are right around the corner, which means the Internet is buzzing with Best Picture predictions and in-depth analysis of the good, the bad, and the ugly of the previous year’s cinematic experiences. It is quite the dick-measuring competition for those that consider themselves movie buffs. Make no mistake, this is not my entry into those particular games. I simply spent an evening recently watching a heart-breaking catastrophe and a masterpiece. My reactions to the two films were dramatic enough that I decided to use my Internet outlet to share my thoughts. I hope to spark some conversation on the subject, so that all opinions may be heard. The comments section at the end of the post would be a great place to start, if you feel so inclined.

I’ll start with Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s offering at the beginning of 2011. I had been anticipating this movie ever since the previews showed us a future of sexy females fighting samurai-robots and dragons. Sure to be a nerd’s wet dream, there was promise of a fanboy-type flick with infinite replay value. When the explanation for these absurd scenes was released - a group of young women unfairly placed in asylum use alternate reality to cope with their unfortunate circumstances and are led by a mysterious guide to freedom - I was foretelling the soon-to-come pinnacle of nerd cinema. Unfortunately, I had just started a new job at the time of the movie’s release and missed our group’s trip to the theater. Poor reviews and my busy schedule pushed the anticipation out of my mind.

I absolutely loved 300 and Watchmen. Being a fan of Frank Miller and Alan Moore, I soon became a supporter of Zack Snyder for his excellent adaptations of those two spectacular preexisting stories. Two previous home runs, mouth-watering previews, and a sweet injustice-turns-to-freedom storyline; how could it possibly go wrong? When the opportunity arose, I enthusiastically jumped at the chance to finally view Sucker Punch. All of the build-up I had previously experienced came rushing back in a child-like excitement that left me unable to sit still. I was telling myself that the bad reviews were like the bad reviews for The Matrix. Those squares just didn’t get it.

After one hour and fifty minutes of torture, I felt alone in the universe. This was not torture in the sense of being a consumer and demanding an excellent product, which I was not receiving. This was torture in the way you watch your child with astounding academic potential fall head first to the ground, resulting in permanent brain damage. All of that wasted potential. There was an idea laid out in front of the people involved in this movie that could have placed them at the top of the cult classics. If you have clockwork Nazis, fights pitting planes versus dragons, and minigun-wielding samurais, you are probably going to get some amount of a  cold shoulder from the mainstream. But, if you do all of that the right way you will be idolized by the Internet community. Five, ten, fifteen years down the line people will still be posting YouTube clips of the gorgeous scenes you created, remembering the awesome gift you gave to the world.

That is not going to happen for Zack Snyder and company. The film was so mediocre that it probably won’t be remembered in any way. What will I remember the next time Zack Snyder tempts me to fight the crowds of adolescents at the theater? I’ll remember to check the source material. Is it an existing story from another person’s mind, or another one of his fever dreams? Until he proves us wrong, that is the obvious judgment to pass. The first time he makes a movie that isn’t an adaptation, it absolutely sucks.

There was no King Leonidus in Sucker Punch. By the end of the movie I still hadn’t learned all of the character’s names. I didn’t connect with any of the said characters. The main character Baby Doll is the only one they give a back story for, and it is rushed through with a montage. The shifts in what reality you are currently in are rough and uncomfortable. Apart from the beginning and end, there is no connection made as to what is happening in the separate realities at any given moment. If the movie was a two hour preview for a video game, it might have actually made sense. You never get to sit back and enjoy the movie, because you are spending all of your time trying to fill in the gaping holes in story and timeline. The movie as a whole was rushed, sloppy, half-assed, and half-witted. It might have passed as a memorable B-movie but with a 82 million dollar budget, it doesn’t really fit the bill.

There is only one more thing that I want to say about that movie. The covers of Sweet Dreams and White Rabbit you hear in the movie were decent enough. I might even be tempted to listen to them again on YouTube. It is no saving grace though, because the cover of Where Is My Mind? actually made me want to throw things and vomit on them. My writing pal Scott makes a good argument about the fact that people shouldn’t get offended. When that vicious, detestable garbage came on in the movie, I knew what it must feel like for a fundamental christian to be told that God does not exist. Offended doesn’t even come close to describing my feelings. There is the chance that I am taking movies a bit too seriously, but some things are sacred. The final scene from Fight Club is simply perfection, with all of its beauty and self-realization, and that is something that is not to be fucked with. If I was a rich person, I would pay to own the rights of use for The Pixies song in any cinematic production. I would not give permission. There was a time that some other movie could’ve attempted to use Where is My Mind? (either the original or a cover) even half as well as Fight Club did, but Sucker Punch shut the door on that forever in my mind.

Luckily, the night was not a total loss. I was again able to view Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vol. 2. Tarantino has been accused of intellectual property theft as well as abusing copious amounts of cocaine while in the writing process. I wanted to make it clear that art does not care who it comes from, or what state of mind produced it. Art is art. Provocative, right? The Kill Bill saga is a display of genius. I do not use that word lightly. If you don’t understand what I mean, if you didn’t think it was that great, or if you haven’t seen it, I am sorry to say that you are behind the curve. I have a solution to all three mental lapses. The first two, a result of ignorance and stupidity, you can easily solve by taking some LSD and watching the two movies straight through by yourself. A psychadelic trip will help you get over all of those things you thought you knew. The third is solved by simply viewing the amazing films for yourself. I don’t want to come off as a pompous snob, but I had to be blunt, brash, and straight forward to puncture those glazed eyes and the apathetic indifference you are no doubt experiencing after browsing the Internet for hours.

I stand by my claim of not being a film critic. Kill Bill is more than just a film to me. It transcends any one medium. You believe that the central theme of the saga is revenge. Suddenly you realize that it actually is about survival. With a smooth shift of gears, you feel silly in light of the realization that it was always about love, a fact that you had simply overlooked until now. By the end you are thinking that maybe the main goal is to bring up the paradox of fate; do we really ever have a choice in our decisions? After thinking about it for a while longer, the enlightenment finally comes that all of these themes are as connected and interwoven as the spider’s web.

There was no one story being told in Kill Bill. Tarantino brings in all kinds of characters, each with unique backgrounds and tales. Scene by scene with some eloquent dialogue and facial close-ups, he tells you story after story. When Michael Madsen’s character Bud enters the film, you immediately get an impression. After the scene where he goes to work and gets chewed out for being twenty minutes late, you feel like you know the character. I would estimate that he gets 20 minutes of screen time, and yet you understand the character’s story and can feel empathy for his situation.

The fight scenes in both halves of the saga are a delicious treat for anyone partial to blood and gore. When they happen, you suddenly remember that you are watching a movie. It is rare that I get lost in visual art. Music sends me off to the yellow brick road sometimes, but visual stimuli requires more focus. Kill Bill gives me complete escape. Not only am I being told a story, but I am part of the story. I feel what the characters are feeling. That is rare. It doesn’t happen often. Movies can make you think. Movies can make you laugh. Movies can make you cry. Very few draw you into the story and make you experience it for yourself. This is a trait usually exclusive to excellent books, but Kill Bill is special.

Quentin Tarantino is a very talented individual. Although I believe Kill Bill was the climax of his career, I still hopefully await for anything he might come out with in the future. Zack Snyder is probably just really lucky. It is pretty phenomenal that he was able to land the adaptations of 300 and Watchmen so early in his career. I hope that he gets to make some more graphic novel movies. I can’t think of anything that fits off of the top of my head, but I’ll stay optimistic.