...That I'm Sorry?

Last Thursday I got in an argument with my Dad which ended in me getting kicked out. I spent the following weekend in Cincinnati at a magic tournament to get away from the chaos. At this time I was already making preparations for the departure from my home. I was also preparing mentally for a future with no family. This kind of complete collapse had happened before, and it was evident to me that there was no fixing it. This was, in fact, the end. 

On Saturday night we were at the hotel, preparing for the second day of our magical battles when somehow the topic of Caleb came up in discussion. Almost immediately I heard multiple testimonials of how people had in fact been scared of me at one time or another. I tried to pry for an explanation, and I ended up being described as unapproachable. Through the course of this discussion there were some sentiments that sounded far too familiar. It seemed that some criticisms of me being made by my friends were echoes of ones made by family members in the past. My first reaction was depression. I just wanted to have a weekend away with people I felt comfortable around. Now, my regrettable home life was following me to my social life. 

After a few hours of sleep, I was able to gain some clarity. I realized that I needed to engage in some self reflection. I’ve never subscribed to the illusion that I was guilt-free in all of the interactions with my father. I know that nothing as serious as exile comes without some form of provocation. I do believe, however, that the provocation I am guilty of does not warrant the exile I have received numerous times. The problem is, that apparently, now my friends have started to see the dark side of me. The dark side that used to only come out when I was fighting against the tyranny of my father. I guess I had always done a good job of hiding it from my friends in the past. 

I have always been able to take the sticks and stones cast by others and escaped with few broken bones. I have always chosen words as my revenge. Apparently they do hurt.   Apparently the words I use hurt others more than their sticks and stones hurt me. I should have known. Again, the fight rose up in me. I rejected that I had done anything wrong with the way I was living my life. Time and time again I have had to “nut up.” Why weren’t others doing the same? 

It was my mother crying that made the sympathy rise up inside of me. Maybe, I am a sucker. But, because I have the capability of being the bigger man, I guess I should be. I guess because I am able to forget about the fist fights and the arguments, I should. I guess because I am blessed/cursed with the ability to see every side of the story, I should accept them all. I ended up writing an email to my father. It is posted at the end of this blog should you choose to read it. I warn you, it is quite long. 

The struggle to make peace with my maker aside, let me address you, my friends. I have been guilty of many things when it comes to you. Above all else; displaced anger, displaced frustration, and displaced aggression. At some point I let the wall down between personal and social and mixed the two. My personal life was never happy, so what chance did we have? 

If I had insurance I could probably work out these problems with a therapist. Until I find a job I like that also has benefits or I work this shit out on my own, I guess I’ll have to keep writing these apologies. Please believe me when I say that no matter how often these apologies happen, no one is any less genuine. When I am arguing with you about our plans for the weekend, or what part of Louisville is the best, or what good music is, or what decks are good in what formats, I am arguing with my father. That sounds crazy. But that is what I mean by displaced anger, etc. 

I’ve been abandoned by people I thought loved me my whole life because I didn’t think the way they wanted me to. So sometimes when I engage in a disagreement, the same feelings come up and I unconsciously channel that energy. I don’t know when I lost self control. I believe that the self medicating I did with drugs the first time I got kicked out enabled me to bury these feelings down deep. Ever since the self medicating has ended, I guess they have been slowly working their way back up. I used to be a really fun guy. You could count on Caleb to bring the good times. I guess that the memory of that is why those of you that have stuck around, have. There are some new faces which I’m not even sure have really experienced that old Caleb. Austin, Phil, Jaclyn, Prose and Justin to name a few. 

Let me make it clear that this is not a cry for sympathy or pity. I have acted in a way that is not positive. I have behaved in a way that is not productive for our friendships. I cannot promise that it will be better immediately. What I can promise is that I am aware of it and am making a conscious effort to work on it. I can also promise that I am sorry. 

This is as good a time as any to make it known to those who didn’t already know or hadn’t already assumed, that I no longer plan to pursue enlistment in the military. I am sorry for the ups and downs I may have put you through with this. I hope that this flip flop will not affect my accountability or the perception of genuine apology I have conveyed in this piece. I know that my life is very chaotic and you all have been affected by this chaos in one way or another. 

I have talked a big game about different possibilities and paths I have pursued. I have gone long times without seeing some of you throughout our friendship. I have gotten excited as well as excited others about possible jobs, life choices, school, and everything in between. I’ve quit magic, played magic, quit again many times. My regret is that my self loathing got in the way of my consideration for our friendship. Time and time again I’ve fallen victim to the thoughts of “they don’t really care anyways,” and “I’m all alone, I’ve got to do something different.” This is all in spite of the truth staring me in the face. You all do care, and are there for me. 

The main problem I’ve discovered about myself that facilitates these recurring issues is that I’m not very good at knowing what makes me happy. I chase these ideas of happiness only to find the reality is not what I expected. This is another thing that I can’t promise will change right away. The difference now is that I am aware of it and working on it. 

This blog lost a lot of its readership over time. I’ve struggled with this. I guess a part of me thought that it would take off and I’d be signing a book contract in no time. This is the unrealistic part of me I just talked about in this post, as well as in others. Writing the first post in weeks, I realize that this blog has done more for me than any book contract could ever do. Money comes and goes. Happiness does the same. But discovering things about yourself that you need to change is a priceless gift few ever discover. The only thing that could make it better is if documentation of my struggles has helped any of you with yours. If nothing else, learn from my cautionary tale. Thank you for your support and your understanding. 

It hurts me to say the things I say. I know it hurts you to hear me say them. Just know that it hurts me just as much, if not more. I don't want to go through life alone. I am not looking for a way out. I am not looking for an excuse to do anything. I am only trying to live my life in a way that I can be proud of. I am only trying to live my life in a way that I can be OK with myself. Do you think that a world with no family will allow me to do this? I don't think so. It seems impossible. If it was possible, then I probably wouldn't have randomly decided to call you that day. You all would have moved to South Carolina without me knowing and there would have never been an opportunity for a second chance. 

When I spent time in Calhoun before I eventually moved in with you all at Isle of Palms, it seemed that they did not think that it would work. I was told that if it didn't work out that I could move to Calhoun and work with Patrick and they would find a way to make it work. This kind of negativity wasn't what I needed to hear at that time. I think that it was that lack of belief that enabled me to say what I thought at the dinner table the last night I was in Calhoun. I got into a religious argument with Martha and Wayne. It ended with Wayne passing judgment on me. He told me what he actually thought. On one hand the "real" moment was the kind I enjoy. I like when all the cards are put on the table. I like to know what people really think. On the other hand when it is completely negative, and in my opinion unfair, it obviously hurts. I don't think I have ever done anything since to change the mentality Wayne has of me. Wayne says that, "I know everything and I don't care what anyone says. I am arrogant, selfish, and insolent." Does that sound familiar?

In future large family meetings I have made every effort to keep my mouth shut. I knew where the family stood in regards to me, so I knew what I had to do. I had to keep quiet, not voice my opinion, and play nice. Well the last time I went to Edisto, somehow another religious argument happened. I definitely was not the one to start it, but I lost control and gave my two cents. The eventual consequence of this slip in focus and concentration was Martha telling me that if that is how I felt, I would not be a part of the family. The same thing was told to me by Martha the last time I was in Calhoun after an intense political argument. Did I start that conversation? No. A similar cycle of events characterizes our history. After days, weeks, or sometimes even months of calm, peaceful co-habitation, a fire once again ignites between us. It usually involves you making a decision that involves me, and you telling me what I have to do. I then immediately reject it in a harsh, non-peacful way, and we go twelve rounds. A lot of the time it ends with you threatening or outright telling me I no longer have a place to live and with me saying that I hate you and that I will cut off all ties and never speak to you again. 

This email is not an attempt to debate the faults of both of us. I am not interested in talking about what I've done wrong or what beef I have with you. I am willing to accept that parenting is a difficult job. I know that I was the first of my generation in the family that we most often interact with and a close second in the generation of the other side of the family. I know that there was no precedent or map to follow when it came to dealing with me. I know that the death of David shook the foundation of the family. I know that the damage may have not been repaired in time for me to enjoy. I know in Mom's case, the damage may never be repaired. I hope that you are willing to accept that part of parenting is accepting your child's mistakes. I hope that you are willing to accept that any decision I have made since I moved back with you all in South Carolina that may have affected you negatively, was not done with malicious intent. I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can, with you all in mind. I hope you believe that. 

The actual purpose of this email is to ask some questions. I have pondered many things since last Thursday and I hope you will think about them as well. First I wonder how anyone expects me to feel or react, when I am being kicked out of the house or the family every time I am in an argument. Please tell me if I have done anything of equal significance. I know I have said the meanest things I know how. Usually, with some exception, it is after this fatal blow by you or Martha has been cast. It is in my opinion that this is one of the problems. I get overwhelmed with hurt when I hear these things. So, I respond in a very emotional way. Now how could it possibly get to this point? The point of no return? The point where I have done or said something where the right thing to do is to break off the relationship and cut ties with your son/grandson? The answer I have been given by Mom is that I push your all's buttons. I come on so strong that you two react in a compensatory way. I bring up the demons that are lying beneath the surface with you and Martha. So my first major question is this? Is the act of me telling you no, or me rejecting your all's beliefs, or me telling you I believe something else than you about politics the fair equivalent to being exiled? Is doing any of those things that bad in your eyes? I guess you see it as disrespect. If I have heard you correctly, you don't ask me to do many things or expect that much out of me, so when you do ask or expect something, you think I should accept it without protest? The answers to these questions and the ones later on in the email will help me decide if there is any chance of a relationship between us. Maybe you will have some counter questions, or even my questions themselves, will allow you to make your own conclusion. 

My next question is this. Am I expected to be the bigger man? Am I expected to be the political one? Am I expected to take the initiative? Am I expected to be the one that plays the game so that everyone else can go to sleep at night? Let me clarify what I mean. I described how most of our arguments start. You say how you feel about a certain issue and I respond with how I feel. Apocalypse ensues. To prevent future episodes, am I going to have to be the one who holds back? When it comes to extended family, am I the one that has to always keep my mouth shut? Everyone else gets to say their piece, but I have to be the one to exercise control, and I have to be the one who is constantly tested? At Jacob's wedding I did not start a single discussion that could in any way be related to politics. I was approached by multiple individuals in which Tea Party rhetoric was spoken. If my job is to hold my tongue and play nice, people are making my job very difficult. Let's go to the other side of the family. Is it my responsibility to reach out to them? If I want anything to do with them, I have to be the one to make contact? The last conversation I had with Arlene, I was berated multiple times on the issue of whether I was taking drugs. In my mind it doesn't matter whether I was or I wasn't, is that how things are done? No conversation for years, and that is how you start one? Similar issue with Rachel, like we discussed. I am the one that has to bridge contact? I am the one that has to take initiative? I know how she feels about my beliefs in regards to religion, so how do I even know she wants to hear anything I have to say? So to summarize, I am wondering if I am the one that has to take all of the risks, do all of the tongue-biting, and all of the peacekeeping, and is that fair?

I think that in a world of equal responsibility there would be some give and take. My guess is that everyone mentioned doesn't think I deserve shared responsibility. My guess would be that everyone thinks that I deserve the hardships previously mentioned. It is obvious that I do not get treated as an equal adult by anyone, and I'm guessing there is no conscious effort to change that because I don't deserve it. I get the impression that because of one decision or another that I have made, I have been dealt a hill to climb when it comes to relations in this family. So what will it take? Will it take me holding a job? How long do I have to do that for? What is the formula for success in this family? I surely was never taught these expectations. Is it living on my own? I've done that, but I guess I had to ask for help in one way or another so it didn't count. Is it being in a romantic relationship? If that is the key I would ask everyone involved to look in the mirror. Is it paying off the debt I owe you? Are we going to let money decide who gets respect? I don't really think it is any of these things. All of them combined might get me a greeting with a real smile at family gatherings. All of them combined might make people be less negative with me. All of them combined would probably prevent you from ever having to make a decision that involves me, which in theory would prevent all future arguments. The thing is I can't make them all happen in the blink of the eye. We aren't going to wake up in the morning and all of these issues in my life be fixed. I'm working on all of them as hard as I can. The thing I want you to remember is that one day things will click. The hard work will pay off and things will fall together. When I find the right job, it won't be a struggle to keep it. I've never been fired. i've only given up on a job. I've excelled at every job. So when I find the right one, it will happen. When I get the debt paid off, it will be paid off. When that happens, I'll be able to save and move out comfortably. (All assuming that the current issues will be resolved) You don't find love, love finds you. When it does it will be a great time. It will be a happy time. 

But to be honest, I think all of that is small potatoes when compared to the real issue. It is no secret what the key to gaining the whole family's approval is. If I want to be forgiven, accepted, and respected, I need to rejoin the church. It would be a glorious day. I would get phone calls. I would get invites to different things. When I showed up, people would approach me. People would extend their thoughts about how good it was that I finally did the right thing. I wouldn't have to be the one to start discussions at family gatherings. I would be invited to family gatherings. We would all talk about the dark past and about how I finally came to the light. People would encourage me to give testimonials and I could be a great example of God's good grace. All of this is a big problem. Because, it is never going to happen. I'm sorry that my system of beliefs causes you so much pain. I won't waste time trying to explain what has led me to my decision of atheism. We both know that is a dead end. The next question is, are you ever going to be able to accept this? Is it possible for you to not play the long game of trying to convert me? Do you think that I have not noticed? I see your efforts to work in religious intellect into discussions. I know that you are trying to feel me out, to see where I am in my spiritual journey. To be honest, sometimes I have thrown you a bone. This is a decision I immediately regret, because I see in your eyes it gives you false hope. I don't want to lead you on. This is where I draw the line in the sand. There is no spiritual journey, on your terms. Again I repeat, can you accept this? If that is the only thing I can do to make you truly happy, then I am cursed with a deep sadness knowing I can never please my father. What a cliche, Hollywood life I have ahead of me, if that is in fact the truth. This issue is what makes it difficult for me to accept the criticism that I push my beliefs on others. I know that I am strong in my beliefs, but what are you? You might not be aggressive towards me personally, but the banner you carry represents the most aggressive team in human history. I am willing to accept you and anyone else in the family regardless of their beliefs the moment I am accepted, regardless of mine. 

If you have thought about all of these things, and think that we can resolve these issues, there is still more work to be done. This will be your chance to really tell me how I have made you feel. I want to know what I have done to make you so angry. Is it that I don't do chores? I told you I am willing to do whatever you want. I am open to make any kind of contribution. I am not the 14-year old that avoided mowing the lawn like it was the plague. Is it that I occasionally spend money on myself? There was a pause where I didn't work when I was going to school. I know now that it put too much of a financial strain on you. But do you expect me to not spend any money on myself? I am not rejecting the idea. If that is what it takes. But I am begging you to be explicit with your expectations and demands. I want to know that I am not angering you. I want the peace of knowing that I am puling my weight. I don't want to worry that I'm doing something that will be held against me in the future. I want to do right by you. I believe if this is going to work, it is going to involve more communication. When something happens, we should discuss it right away on peaceful terms. I hope that I have given you some things to think about. I hope that there is a positive outcome to everything bad and negative that has happened thus far. This is my effort to turn every stone and fight for the family.